rose coloured paris

the air smelled clean and clear, though the rain was wet and squishy under her feet. by the end of the weekend, her new black boots would be ruined. but she hoped she would have some insight into the wonders of paris, the sights and the sounds.
the wine and the pommes frites, the crepes with nutella, all of it would become part of her memory of paris. her visits to the shiny city were a decade apart and the events never overlapped. croissants and hot tea, hot chocolate and parisienne crusty bread along the seine. riding the elevator to la tour eiffel, and walking up the side of montmartre.
the engagement, the wedding, the movies, the laundromat. more wine and cheese. round pillows, old black and white movies in french.



~the end~

what was

the end of the week was much appreciated, the snow was crazy!! but the weekend is not long enough. saturday was a little wild, sunday was a bit calmer. things were accomplished, items were ticked off the to-do list. all good things.

revisiting old haunts never did anyone, including myself, any good. it's like pouring salt on a wound that just won't seem to heal. watching the bad parts of a movie or the news over and over again, repeating it in your head. it doesn't solve one thing. though i'm not sure what would solve it? it's not like i can tell anyone. no one else would get it, and i won't divulge the past to anyone who wasn't present in it.

i no longer feel as though i am lying when i don't mention it at least. i like that part. and i try not to bring it up on conversation when it might be relevant. better to say nothing than introduce the topic into anyone's head again.

~the end~

time

you can't hurt me anymore, but you do, just by existing. the words you said so long ago have stuck in my head, mostly the bad ones of course. the hurtful things you did and said. the time you choked me, left a mark. and i went back. i gave it a chance. i gave you chance. the times i wished i hadn't chosen that path. wished i had passed you over. but i didn't. you change my life in so many ways. it took me a long time to recover. but i did. my life grew. my world evolved. i have so much more. so many better things. i would be nowhere now if i were still with you. i don't want you back. i'm content with you having been part of where i needed to be now. part of that process of realising what i didn't want to know what i did want.
and what i want, is what i have NOW!!

  ~the end~

yep

is it bad to feel envy over the quiet and peace she has
or the excitement of leaving and trying something new?
the craziness is nice, the chaos is nice
sometimes
the rest of the time it's just not


~the end~

snowsprings

a crazy day!! snow mixed with kids at home mixed with having to go out for an appointment does not make for much relaxation. plus i always feel as though i have a million things to do, or at least a dozen at a time. deadlines and paperwork and emails and lists and organising a calendar that seems to overlap far too much!!

the snow did look pretty this morning. of course it's a bugger to drive in. but so long as you have nowhere to go and nothing to do, it's just peachy!!

only 52 days till spring!! :-)

 ~the end~

favourite words

earlier i was thinking about some of my favourite words. and that when i read books i will stop to look up a word and then try to use it. i'm a word hag i know...but i love words and writing!!
there's a save the word challenge...and that made me think even more about my favourite words. i mentioned it on twitter and people just replied with words that they used often.
i meant cool words, amazing words, words that speak to you!

fascinating words like -- nadir, juxtaposition, lugubrious, precipice, loquacious, salacious, hubris
~the end~

lit up

the view from the edge of the bridgewalk into the city was wondrous. she never tired of the lights glinting in the evening light. the busy-ness of the city excited her. the scents and sounds, they drew her in. this city, her city, it had enthralled her for years. 
from a time in her youth, she longed to visit. when she did. she loved it so much she moved her whole life there. she became part of the city then, but then she'd had to move away. and she missed it, longed for it again.
years later, she visited once more, it wasn't quite the same feeling. a fleeting trip through the city, a few key sights with a friend. she wanted to immerse herself there again. but she had other commitments, a life elsewhere, responsibilities. 
then again, some years passed and she visited again, this time for a longer period. not in the city, but living within access of the city. she visited a few times, not quite a part of it, but within a suburb. she loved it. she wanted to spend more time in her city again. but again, the responsibilities, even though they were with her, called to her, kept her from totally absorbing the city.
and so she left again, saddened by her departure and longing for one more outing in the city she loved. she returned the following year, for a few days this time. on her way to a new city. another city filled with friendly sights and friendly faces. 
but still, her city calls to her. she knows routes and street names. she recognises buildings and monuments. she revels in stories from her city. she surrounds herself with memories of her city.
and she will return!


~the end~

official secrets act

what would MY secret be??


i like to show off my knowledge of computers to my mom friends. it makes me feel like i learned something in all these years that i haven't worked outside the house!


i like to re-shelve books at the library.
(this isn't technically a secret since i've told another mom friend who is a volunteer at the library, she told me she does the same thing).


i love to buy cheap paper journals and diaries. i rarely write in them, but write on slips of paper and shove them inside the books or glue them onto the pages. or i write here.


one day i hope my mother in law will ask my forgiveness. i like to tell everyone how horrible she is hoping it will get back to her and make her feel guilty.

~the end~

picture it

"do you remember me," his blue eyes implored her.
"well, yes i do," she sniffed a laugh and wondered why he thought she wouldn't.
"i was there too, and it was quite memorable," she thought. she wanted to say that aloud. but of course she wouldn't. she wasn't that sure how to proceed with him. he was still looking at her, as though he wanted to say something more. but maybe she was supposed to say something more. she just wasn't sure.
she longed to say to him, "take me to that room again, make me feel that way again. talk to me and then tell me more, but don't tell me about her, i just can't bear to hear it," but of course she wouldn't.
not yet.

  ~the end~

changes??

there are a few things in this world that i would love to have. a nice relaxing vacation, free from stress and sickness, and without the bother of storms or the frustration of packing and driving and unpacking and cooking.
i would like a house that is completely fixed and updated, without the constant hassle of redoing, revamping, replacing and no more water drips!! and maybe toilets that plunge themselves. (i am pleased to have a hubby who does SO many of the fix-its in the house too!)
i'd like a larger kitchen, complete with comfy eat in area, the granite countertops hubby so desires and my aga, in aubergine! and maybe an aga gas insert stove (or something like it) to look pretty in the family room.
i'd love a self mowing lawn, and a self shovelling driveway/sidewalk.
i once asked for self navigation in the car, i've got that now in the gps, so that's taken care of!! so long as it puts me on the right side of the road, it's good!
i'd like the chance to read all the books in my bookcase, maybe in the next five years. and also the chance to read thru the dozens of magazines before i get more!!
i'd like to hear my mother's voice again, and give her a kiss and have her meet all of my babies! and in that same thread, i'd like to kiss my nan, my granddad, my auntie maggie...hug my friend K and tell her i've missed her.
i'd like to tell R exactly what i feel and not get all tongue tied. i'd love to tell K all the things i've thought over the years.
and i'd like to live a long and happy life, surrounded by the mayhem that has now become my life!

so i guess i wouldn't change too much dramatically! ;-)
~the end~

renderings

she gazes out the window. the sun's brightness reflects and she squints to see better. the hustle and bustle of the morning pass her. the passersby ignore her and one another. a youngish man carrying a bunch of flowers drifts past her. she wonders who the recipient of the flowers will be -- his mother, his girlfriend, wife, lover, teacher, boss or maybe his grandmother. she thinks hazily of her grandmother, who always admired flowers but never wanted to keep any that were given to her in a vase. she wonders why some people are more willing to accept gifts while others push them away as frivolous or unnecessary. her mother once scoffed at a handmade gift. she recently found the small red painted heart and although her mother kept it, she remembered the slight frown of distain at its gifting. she hopes she won't be like that with her children. she strives to improve upon the seeds of errors she recalls from her childhood. she thinks herself stranded at times, wandering and wondering how things will turn out. will that heart be torn and broken or passed along to someone else?

 ~the end~

cookies, snow, travel, laundry, dishes, books, reading, cups, spills, music, nailpolish, ballet, light sabers, bears, pillows....

yep, that's me!


~the end~

within

inside my head the noises & sounds make sense
sometimes
conversations repeat & reverberate
changing themselves to less reality
and more fiction
rewritten it makes more sense
to hear the phrases
thesaurus items words unknown meanings
feelings expressed with the change
charge
intonation body face language
she said he said they said
fake feelings honesty
forgotten hidden words backstabbing
it whips and whirs and pleads its way
to the surface
bubbling tripping over the thoughts
then remain unspoken
unexpressed 
close my eyes
the thoughts slip
into dreams of family
friends
whispers of the past
future
present imagined
again
lost in the night.



~the end~

yep, another one

what is it about a bit of ice that makes everything so freaking pretty on the trees and bushes? it's horrible on the streets yes. dreadful to walk in the slush and ice, treacherous to drive, but the trees, too pretty!!

i read 100 pages today. i wrote nothing. not one word! i had ideas. i woke oozing with ideas. but at night, now, when it's time to write cos i have time now and the inkling, there's nothing but the mundaneness of the day. the lunches, laundry, wiping, dishwasher, emails about meetings and trying to figure a way to be at robotics and girl scouts and pick up cookies and watch a movie and sleep at the same time.

and too much caffeine makes me woozy.

and the cookies need to GO!

errands to run tomorrow, not done today due to the delay. so will rush around in the morning, maybe get a minute to read more or write a word or two!!

 ~the end~

winding up...

i've found it difficult to write the last few days. using the photo as a prompt helped a bit but the actual writing of the text only works if i sit down and type it out! i write a lot more in my head than ever makes it to the page. and even writing on my ipod hasn't helped since it never flows properly.

i am happy to feel calm again. even when the kids were wild last night, i was relaxed. i like sitting in this room to write, i will be happier when the menchildren clear off the old computer and i have more space. but for now, it works quite nicely. i have photos in view, flowers and a nice neat area! :-)

attempts to finish the book this weekend have failed. i ended up playing online instead.  which means that i either do not want to read, can't be bothered to read, or am not that interested in the book.

perhaps if i set aside a portion of each day to actually WRITE and/or read. an hour? just free writing would be helpful. on any one topic or photo prompt. posting it to the blog is not necessary.

i like and don't like that i have no audience with this blog. it allows me to say more or less than i want. no feedback is good and bad as well. years ago when i blogged more regularly and actually participated in the blogging world, i felt far too attached and obligated to reply to my friends' posts. and then i lost the real reason for the writing and blogging, to share a bit or me that i am unable to share with anyone in my real world.

a friend mentioned to me just the other day that she doesn't share enough with her spouse, family or friends. and that because of this, she feels her life is suffering. she said she needs to reveal her soft side more often. whereas i feel that i reveal my soft side far too often and am figuratively smacked for it a lot more than i ought to be. so i have reined in my "soft side" and she yearns to let hers out. she and i have much in common, but in different ways. i still think that my own best friend is myself. the only one who understands me is me. no one else truly has ever gotten me and i know i will never have one true best friend. just lots of friends who know just that small portion about me. one friend for sharing musical likes, another for sharing books, another for mommying, another for cooking, another who gets the history and logistics of my life and so on. some of those friends overlap, some even know one another. but not one of them knows me completely. i hide bits of myself from each of them. do any of them really want to know all about me? do i want to know all about each of them? would that make us too much?

 ~the end~

this life

the other day a mom said she thought it was great how organised i am. and how it's super that i can get so much done and still look so good! i often wonder at these comments.
i see them as disguised compliments really. the ones that say "you look so good" make me want to say 'so i looked really awful the last time you saw me?'
i don't have the courage to say those sarcastic comments aloud. since i believe in my heart that i am being complimented, i just say "thank you" and then try to say that it's really no big deal, i just do what i do to get by the best that i can!
but it keeps me wondering. how should i look? how should i act? should i have that harried housewife, mom to many, crazed look? i'd much rather channel june cleaver than roseanne or peg bundy!! i don't need to be perfect, although it's quite selfish to let everyone think that i have it all together. knowing deep inside that i'm that duck paddling like crazy under the water!

 ~the end~

the entry

the heavy iron gate squealed as it swung open. as she stepped from the gleaming sunlight, the dark shadow of the house fell across her feet and then her body. she walked slowly, deliberately up to the door willing herself forward. she stopped quickly before the old door, knowing the feel of the wood on her fingertips from memory. she closed her eyes, took a deep breath and pushed the door open wide. it creaked under the weight of the wood and its age. she expected the air inside to feel dank and gloomy but instead it was scented with flowers and clean.




~the end~

the longer way around

on shoveling and removal...


we have a sidewalk apparently! who knew...cos i've rarely used it.  in the suburbs, there are supposed to be usable sidewalks, but in our silly little town, with no coffee shop, we have limited sidewalks. and when ours are snow covered, i guess we're meant to shovel them within 24 hrs. never mind that the edges of them are blocks of ice from the plow going repeatedly up to the corner (so much so the dirt is still pushed up from LAST winters' storms).

i find it amusing that we have to care for a sidewalk that isn't even ON our property (legally, the property goes to about 3 ft from the edge of the road). we have to keep the bushes off the sidewalk, we have to shovel it, BUT they can come and remove it if they want.

our neighbors across the street, no sidewalk, but mailboxes along the street. on property that isn't even theirs. they have to put it so many inches from the street. and when the plows (or any county owned vehicle including the giant public buses that SPEED down our road) bash the mail box making it a big pile of plastic and metal on the grass, the owner is totally responsible for it. however you can leave a mailbox (or even a box) on your grass and the lovely mailman will deposit mail into your box! i'm thinking that might just be OUR mailman, since he also walked the mail up the driveway to our invalid neighbours every day (the trash men brought the cans up too, but i bet they were paid extra for that!).

of course, there's also the retired slightly crazy neighbor who placed spikes along the bottom edges of his driveway to keep the mail-truck and trash trucks from going ONTO his driveway edge. :-(

 ~the end~

and it lies within

the biggest lie?

well maybe not the biggest, but the longer running ones. the small ones that you tell to yourself everyday? i'll get up earlier today. i'll spend more time with the kids/myself/my friends/reading/writing/in prayer....and so on.

and what lies (pun intended) within all these little lies? the need to do it all better faster longer higher slower than ever before. it's a lie to yourself, to myself. so spend the time with your kids, when you can! do the laundry when you can. read your book when you can and stop competing to read as much as the pal in australia who reads 150 books a year. (how does she do that with two kids, a job and go to school? does she sleep?).

i would like to give up doing things for other people, to impress them. that's my "no lie" for this year. i am not going to keep my mouth shut (lie to myself). i am going to tell it as closely to the truth as possible. i am going to own it, cos it's mine after all.

there are a few lies i will keep going. the ones that i keep to myself, the lies of omission. the missing facts from my past, that are, after all, really not that important to tell now, after 20some odd years. the important people know. the lies that are my own business. the lies that i know exist and i keep for my own sanity and for the need to keep some part of myself secret. to not share those nasty bits, the unkind scary bits better left unknown for those who didn't care who probably wouldn't know what to do with them or how to handle them.

 ~the end~

cookie-rific

a strange sort of busy snowy music cookie filled day! the kind where i feel like i never sit down or that the thing i am doing is just the bridge to the next place i am headed!! i'm not really fond of those kinds of days since it's hard to enjoy the fun parts of the when i'm always looking at the clock anticipating where i need to be next!!

but the winter concert was fun, the boy had a solo which was outstanding. and he's first chair now, so quite an honour!! they all do such a great job, it's nice to see how far they come from the winter concert to the spring concert!! and then in the summer, the whole of them and more, sound fabulous!!


the gs cookies seem more complicated than they ought to be. though at least the moms in charge seem to want to make it easier for us. i'm not really keen on the initial outlay of cash, especially as it's IN cash! cookiemom is nice, and seems willing to work with everyone. they chatted a lot about camping last night. i do NOT want to go camping, nor does the girl i think. maybe next year!!

i'm hoping we can make it to the outing next month, something she will like this time at least, a musical play!! :-)

~the end~

1-11-11

another one digit day! seems odd to have so many of them this year already ;-)

a very anxious day for some reason, must be the incoming weather. at least we made it to our errands and the library. and every time i go to the library it seems i end up chatting to moms and/or the librarian. i definitely think i would love to volunteer there in time! so much fun :-)

lots of snow coming down already. the kids are all jazzed, i am too. i just hope there's enough to actual cancel school. for a totally selfish reason, i want to finish my book! and cos the winter concert will be postponed one day and that will allow my dad and friend to actual join us at the show! :-) but i have a feeling it will just be a two hour delay which is nothing but a pain in the bum since it just messed up my morning and doesn't allow any time for them to play outside! :-(

haha selfish again!! ;-)

 ~the end~

a new week

i happily escaped seeing my one mom friend this weekend at a birthday party. i sent hubby to drop off and pick up, a cop out i know, but easier to for me to deal with. at least until i can talk myself up to seeing and chatting to her again in person. she and i have emailed, so i'm not totally out of touch with her, but she did tell hubby that she hadn't seen me in "so long". he smiled when he relayed this info back to me as he knows my friendship issues with her. i just do not know what to do. perhaps i will work her back into my life in small doses. starting with the emails and working up to an hour meet up (which is difficult unless i set the time/date and actually make it work).


i was going to arrange coffee for the moms tuesday, but with this weather and my cold, and my need to get presents for another bday party this coming weekend, that won't work out.


plus we have the library on tuesday and i need to finish my book before too long or end up paying overdue fines on it!!


~the end~

coughcoughsneezeack

sick today! :-(

was feeling unhappy and blah as well as put upon.
funny how when children and hubby are sick, mom waits on them! but when mom is sick, no one checks her, asks her if she wants tea or a snack, and even when she does wander downstairs, no one even makes a comment. and she does laundry, clears up dishes and runs the vacuum. and then has to deal with a grumpy adult male who gets ticked cos football is on the wrong channel.
pardon me....i'll try to be sick when it's more convenient.

should have left unintelligent words in draft and left unpublished. much smarter that way. sometimes i just feel like a cupcake that fell!!

 ~the end~

back again

excitement as the boy has rec'd his second college acceptance letter, and to his first choice as well. a restful weekend with snow and movies!
~the end~

nature

the lights shimmer as the snow flurries to the grass
the need for you to take my hand is overwhelming
you have my heart and will always keep it
but sometimes the best words are left unsaid
~the end~

not this mom

friendship is tested when moms get together and start sharing their children's accomplishments. why can't we just smile and say "hurray" or "well done" like we do on facebook? it's not a competition. or maybe it is, and that memo was lost with the 'how to' book when i brought my babies home from the hospital!!
get over it mom friends! be supportive not critical.
~the end~

memory tricks

remember when the most complicated part of life was having spelling homework or losing the jacks ball down the metal grate at recess, or not having a extra nickel for chocolate milk at lunch? i remember these things with some displeasure and of course now realise that those days were simple. i'm not sure if my own kids' lives are as full of ease at school since recess sounds so intense. but maybe it was when i was at school as well. i also recall all the bullies' names, though we didn't call them that then. they were the mean kids who picked on me (and you), who pulled our hair, made fun of my name, followed me home poking me with a stick & once in middle school burned a cigarette into your jacket. i wonder where they are now. one of them lives with his parents still and shovels my dad's walkway to help out. he's redeemed himself in my eyes. but does he remember the way i do? does the girl who teased my name have daughters with average names? do they get teased? does she remember me??

does anyone?


~the end~

present friends

i'm struggling today, the ability to write and use my brain (assuming i need to do both to succeed) diminishes as the hours in the day pass! and i seriously think that afterschool playdates will henceforth be banned from our lives!! i managed to do the basics of not much today, though probably if i listed it all out, it would seem like i did heaps. add in the playdate and i lost all hope of making a dent on my to-do list!!

the birthday party present search was a disaster. five below was cleaned out! maybe it always looks like that. i've only been there around the christmas holidays, so who knows!! i don't even have anything suitable in my "present gifting" stash, at least not for this child. i know his mom too well to pawn off an unimportant gift. and it's hard enough shopping for this child, i usually just go with the item that MY own kid would like, but in this case, i'm not so sure! mom is the friend i'm putting at a distance now (think i can manage to send the kids to the party and NOT participate??). plus he is a "good" friend so something nice and usable would be better, right? ;-)

i'll try again on thursday when i go out again!! tomorrow is my day at home, i plan to drink coffee and watch a movie!! and probably mop the floor, but that's something i can do on pause mode. and it's much easier with everyone out of the house. that will relax me enough to get thru tomorrow's afterschool events and dinner! every little positive bit helps, at least it's a goal i can attain.

i lifted a writing prompt from nablopomo, and i'm just going with it. when i clean the writing up too much it ends up not sounding the way i initially wanted.

Who was your best friend when you were 10? Did you still know him or her when you were 20?

i've had a few best friends in my life. i met my first "best friend" L when we were four, in sunday school. we were the best of friends thru kindergarten when we expanded in to allow LM to join our little group. but L and LM are as different as any girls can be! and i am a mixture of the two of them. but when we were seven, L moved away. she and i kept in touch thru the years. we are still friends. she's the one i know will always be my friend. i might not see her for months (or in the past, years) but we always say that when we talk the next time, we just pick up from where we left off. there's no showing off and no pretending. she knows it ALL! so i consider her to be my one and only real "best friend".

LM and i were "best friends" after L moved away (tho L and i were also still "best friends", still following this?). she and i played, we went shopping, we talked on the phone, ate at each other's houses and talked girl talk thru middle school. but then she went to a different high school and we didn't see one another as much. i remember feeling left out of her new life, with her new friends (mine were never the same). we would sometimes meet for lunch and to go shopping, even after high school, but it fell to the wayside. we would speak on the phone now and again, but by the time we were in our 20s, we had less in common and get togethers rarely happened. i moved, then moved back, we both got married, had kids, and only kept in touch thru christmas and birthday cards. then a few years ago we seemed to click again, we went to her house a couple times. i invited her here, but she always declined, she couldn't meet for lunch on the weekend excuses etc. phone calls weren't returned, she doesn't email (even at work). there was no card at christmas this year though i sent one. i feel abandoned again although even though i blame her more rigid husband, i think it's probably that our friendship was not strong enough to endure the test of time.

thinking of L, i am going to ring her tomorrow (while i am mopping) to see how her darling sons are doing!!

~the end~

on speaking to friends

in regards to friends -- it's interesting that nablopomo is friendship themed this month. i've been thinking a lot about friends and friendship the last few months and am quite excited about blogging about this subject. maybe i can talk myself thru the revolving friendships in my life. or at least accept the friends that i do have, as well as the ones i have lost in my life.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

when is the best or worst time to speak to a friend about something important? and how do you approach that conversation?

i have made various attempts with a good friend of mine. she's a part of my life, someone who knows my secrets, who has been there for me, and been supportive! but she has a fairly recent health issue and despite my repeated attempts to talk to her, she either fobs me off or stares at me all teary eyed!

after surviving a major life or death experience a few years ago, i don't understand why she wouldn't act on this one quickly. have it fixed and done and move on. to my eyes, she is burying her head in the sand and ignoring it. but of course i can't MAKE her do anything. just as she cannot make me do anything. it just doesn't make sense to me. i have talked to other friends about this, friends of hers, friends of mine who know her, mutual friends and everyone sort of shrugs their shoulders. BUT what to DO?

i guess if it were drugs or drink, we'd all feel justified about getting involved. making an intervention. but this is an optional op, so i guess it's less important? how far do i go with reminding her? why isn't her doctor as concerned as i am? or is he concerned and she's just blanking him out??

i know i am over-analyzing this whole thing. it just bothers me. and everytime i see her i am reminded of how much i want to say more and how i need to just keep quiet about it.

for now!?!


 ~the end~

days of our lives

friends are the ones who ignore the bad bits and are thrilled with good bits!!!
~the end~

more 1/1/11 @ 11:11

sitting in a noisy house wondering what the year has in store. so many lines and marks and ways to go, how it goes anyone would know??
~the end~

1/1/11 !!

another year has passed and what is there to say and show? both good and bad things, proud and embarrassing. no resolutions from me, only pleas and hopes for better and more (or less) than the previous year. and to appreciate friends and family. and, to be truer to myself and stronger!
~the end~