walkingincircles

well that was a totally strange get together. it was fine for a bit, but then suddenly it just fell apart. i felt attacked by B and i can't understand why she brought up something from so long ago. and why must she always compare everyone to SJ!! i think she's the one who has the basket of friends, with room for one only when she pushes one out onto the floor!! she sure does have enough to say to everyone else and about everyone else. but i knew this already.

and the whole "turn left" meaning "turn right"! omg. come on already!

so let's see next time if i take the time to go out of my way to pick her up. she can just meet us somewhere!!

and then S with her zingers. and then "i'm sorry" this morning...i don't want to say anything to her ever cos she bursts into freaking tears at the drop of a hat.

i just cannot be bothered with any of them. at all.

i'm wondering if i can just email D and try to meet up with HER cos we never seem to have these issues. and then they all want to go away overnight together? omg, NO, that is SO not gonna happen!


~the end~

the things we say

so what is everyone's obsession with me being nice? how come some people (okay, mostly i mean women) can say exactly what's on their minds and totally get away with it? how is it when someone says something unkind to me i keep my mouth shut and don't say what it is that i think??
why is my mil such a heartless mean spirited evil biotch?? i know the reason i don't say anything mean back to her, eventhough i deserve to tell her off repeatedly!! my mother taught me to be polite and kind to older people since they deserve our respect! and i know my mil taught her children well since they are all good people but why she is so nasty is beyond my understanding!!
~the end~

winding up...

i've found it difficult to write the last few days. using the photo as a prompt helped a bit but the actual writing of the text only works if i sit down and type it out! i write a lot more in my head than ever makes it to the page. and even writing on my ipod hasn't helped since it never flows properly.

i am happy to feel calm again. even when the kids were wild last night, i was relaxed. i like sitting in this room to write, i will be happier when the menchildren clear off the old computer and i have more space. but for now, it works quite nicely. i have photos in view, flowers and a nice neat area! :-)

attempts to finish the book this weekend have failed. i ended up playing online instead.  which means that i either do not want to read, can't be bothered to read, or am not that interested in the book.

perhaps if i set aside a portion of each day to actually WRITE and/or read. an hour? just free writing would be helpful. on any one topic or photo prompt. posting it to the blog is not necessary.

i like and don't like that i have no audience with this blog. it allows me to say more or less than i want. no feedback is good and bad as well. years ago when i blogged more regularly and actually participated in the blogging world, i felt far too attached and obligated to reply to my friends' posts. and then i lost the real reason for the writing and blogging, to share a bit or me that i am unable to share with anyone in my real world.

a friend mentioned to me just the other day that she doesn't share enough with her spouse, family or friends. and that because of this, she feels her life is suffering. she said she needs to reveal her soft side more often. whereas i feel that i reveal my soft side far too often and am figuratively smacked for it a lot more than i ought to be. so i have reined in my "soft side" and she yearns to let hers out. she and i have much in common, but in different ways. i still think that my own best friend is myself. the only one who understands me is me. no one else truly has ever gotten me and i know i will never have one true best friend. just lots of friends who know just that small portion about me. one friend for sharing musical likes, another for sharing books, another for mommying, another for cooking, another who gets the history and logistics of my life and so on. some of those friends overlap, some even know one another. but not one of them knows me completely. i hide bits of myself from each of them. do any of them really want to know all about me? do i want to know all about each of them? would that make us too much?

 ~the end~

and it lies within

the biggest lie?

well maybe not the biggest, but the longer running ones. the small ones that you tell to yourself everyday? i'll get up earlier today. i'll spend more time with the kids/myself/my friends/reading/writing/in prayer....and so on.

and what lies (pun intended) within all these little lies? the need to do it all better faster longer higher slower than ever before. it's a lie to yourself, to myself. so spend the time with your kids, when you can! do the laundry when you can. read your book when you can and stop competing to read as much as the pal in australia who reads 150 books a year. (how does she do that with two kids, a job and go to school? does she sleep?).

i would like to give up doing things for other people, to impress them. that's my "no lie" for this year. i am not going to keep my mouth shut (lie to myself). i am going to tell it as closely to the truth as possible. i am going to own it, cos it's mine after all.

there are a few lies i will keep going. the ones that i keep to myself, the lies of omission. the missing facts from my past, that are, after all, really not that important to tell now, after 20some odd years. the important people know. the lies that are my own business. the lies that i know exist and i keep for my own sanity and for the need to keep some part of myself secret. to not share those nasty bits, the unkind scary bits better left unknown for those who didn't care who probably wouldn't know what to do with them or how to handle them.

 ~the end~

a new week

i happily escaped seeing my one mom friend this weekend at a birthday party. i sent hubby to drop off and pick up, a cop out i know, but easier to for me to deal with. at least until i can talk myself up to seeing and chatting to her again in person. she and i have emailed, so i'm not totally out of touch with her, but she did tell hubby that she hadn't seen me in "so long". he smiled when he relayed this info back to me as he knows my friendship issues with her. i just do not know what to do. perhaps i will work her back into my life in small doses. starting with the emails and working up to an hour meet up (which is difficult unless i set the time/date and actually make it work).


i was going to arrange coffee for the moms tuesday, but with this weather and my cold, and my need to get presents for another bday party this coming weekend, that won't work out.


plus we have the library on tuesday and i need to finish my book before too long or end up paying overdue fines on it!!


~the end~

not this mom

friendship is tested when moms get together and start sharing their children's accomplishments. why can't we just smile and say "hurray" or "well done" like we do on facebook? it's not a competition. or maybe it is, and that memo was lost with the 'how to' book when i brought my babies home from the hospital!!
get over it mom friends! be supportive not critical.
~the end~

memory tricks

remember when the most complicated part of life was having spelling homework or losing the jacks ball down the metal grate at recess, or not having a extra nickel for chocolate milk at lunch? i remember these things with some displeasure and of course now realise that those days were simple. i'm not sure if my own kids' lives are as full of ease at school since recess sounds so intense. but maybe it was when i was at school as well. i also recall all the bullies' names, though we didn't call them that then. they were the mean kids who picked on me (and you), who pulled our hair, made fun of my name, followed me home poking me with a stick & once in middle school burned a cigarette into your jacket. i wonder where they are now. one of them lives with his parents still and shovels my dad's walkway to help out. he's redeemed himself in my eyes. but does he remember the way i do? does the girl who teased my name have daughters with average names? do they get teased? does she remember me??

does anyone?


~the end~

present friends

i'm struggling today, the ability to write and use my brain (assuming i need to do both to succeed) diminishes as the hours in the day pass! and i seriously think that afterschool playdates will henceforth be banned from our lives!! i managed to do the basics of not much today, though probably if i listed it all out, it would seem like i did heaps. add in the playdate and i lost all hope of making a dent on my to-do list!!

the birthday party present search was a disaster. five below was cleaned out! maybe it always looks like that. i've only been there around the christmas holidays, so who knows!! i don't even have anything suitable in my "present gifting" stash, at least not for this child. i know his mom too well to pawn off an unimportant gift. and it's hard enough shopping for this child, i usually just go with the item that MY own kid would like, but in this case, i'm not so sure! mom is the friend i'm putting at a distance now (think i can manage to send the kids to the party and NOT participate??). plus he is a "good" friend so something nice and usable would be better, right? ;-)

i'll try again on thursday when i go out again!! tomorrow is my day at home, i plan to drink coffee and watch a movie!! and probably mop the floor, but that's something i can do on pause mode. and it's much easier with everyone out of the house. that will relax me enough to get thru tomorrow's afterschool events and dinner! every little positive bit helps, at least it's a goal i can attain.

i lifted a writing prompt from nablopomo, and i'm just going with it. when i clean the writing up too much it ends up not sounding the way i initially wanted.

Who was your best friend when you were 10? Did you still know him or her when you were 20?

i've had a few best friends in my life. i met my first "best friend" L when we were four, in sunday school. we were the best of friends thru kindergarten when we expanded in to allow LM to join our little group. but L and LM are as different as any girls can be! and i am a mixture of the two of them. but when we were seven, L moved away. she and i kept in touch thru the years. we are still friends. she's the one i know will always be my friend. i might not see her for months (or in the past, years) but we always say that when we talk the next time, we just pick up from where we left off. there's no showing off and no pretending. she knows it ALL! so i consider her to be my one and only real "best friend".

LM and i were "best friends" after L moved away (tho L and i were also still "best friends", still following this?). she and i played, we went shopping, we talked on the phone, ate at each other's houses and talked girl talk thru middle school. but then she went to a different high school and we didn't see one another as much. i remember feeling left out of her new life, with her new friends (mine were never the same). we would sometimes meet for lunch and to go shopping, even after high school, but it fell to the wayside. we would speak on the phone now and again, but by the time we were in our 20s, we had less in common and get togethers rarely happened. i moved, then moved back, we both got married, had kids, and only kept in touch thru christmas and birthday cards. then a few years ago we seemed to click again, we went to her house a couple times. i invited her here, but she always declined, she couldn't meet for lunch on the weekend excuses etc. phone calls weren't returned, she doesn't email (even at work). there was no card at christmas this year though i sent one. i feel abandoned again although even though i blame her more rigid husband, i think it's probably that our friendship was not strong enough to endure the test of time.

thinking of L, i am going to ring her tomorrow (while i am mopping) to see how her darling sons are doing!!

~the end~

on speaking to friends

in regards to friends -- it's interesting that nablopomo is friendship themed this month. i've been thinking a lot about friends and friendship the last few months and am quite excited about blogging about this subject. maybe i can talk myself thru the revolving friendships in my life. or at least accept the friends that i do have, as well as the ones i have lost in my life.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

when is the best or worst time to speak to a friend about something important? and how do you approach that conversation?

i have made various attempts with a good friend of mine. she's a part of my life, someone who knows my secrets, who has been there for me, and been supportive! but she has a fairly recent health issue and despite my repeated attempts to talk to her, she either fobs me off or stares at me all teary eyed!

after surviving a major life or death experience a few years ago, i don't understand why she wouldn't act on this one quickly. have it fixed and done and move on. to my eyes, she is burying her head in the sand and ignoring it. but of course i can't MAKE her do anything. just as she cannot make me do anything. it just doesn't make sense to me. i have talked to other friends about this, friends of hers, friends of mine who know her, mutual friends and everyone sort of shrugs their shoulders. BUT what to DO?

i guess if it were drugs or drink, we'd all feel justified about getting involved. making an intervention. but this is an optional op, so i guess it's less important? how far do i go with reminding her? why isn't her doctor as concerned as i am? or is he concerned and she's just blanking him out??

i know i am over-analyzing this whole thing. it just bothers me. and everytime i see her i am reminded of how much i want to say more and how i need to just keep quiet about it.

for now!?!


 ~the end~

days of our lives

friends are the ones who ignore the bad bits and are thrilled with good bits!!!
~the end~

the lead up

the anticipation is the hard bit. the looking forward to, the what will happen on this day at this time. but it's usually so much less than we think it will be. the birthday that ends up being a dud, the expectations being that much more than the end product. so much of that is throughout life though.


people are who they are. personalities just do not change. even after life altering circumstances especially after life altering circumstances. a son dies. the father's life threatening illness gets better. the "things will change" morphs into a week of gratitude, which in turn morphs into nothing. the same prejudices return, the same narrow-mindedness or unkindness. the same lack of consideration and selfishness.


the friend who was there when her advice was needed. the friend who seemed of the same mind set, the same ilk as yourself. the friend who now suddenly seems so much different. from what? different circumstances on her side, or yours? is it your mind and attitude that changed, or hers? are you that much different? or is she? did the guard go down after you shared a secret or two. do you really trust her? or in the end, is it just really yourself you can trust, yourself you can rely on only?

~the end~

she just doesn't get me and i'm sort of disappointed. although i am not totally surprised. the things we had in common, we still have in common, but the other stuff, she just doesn't fall into those interests. so i will just take a step back. having the holidays as an excuse will work for a bit, as well as the weather and general winter-ness with germs and what not.  so with any luck, i won't have to actually "see" her again until maybe feburary!! ;-)


the girls' event on sunday sort of surprised me, though sometimes i feel attacked on that front at times as well. i think perhaps i am just overly sensitive still this month, as i feel that way, on edge and on the ledge as it were. nothing seems to be coming together and nothing is going as planned.


but i will keep putting one foot in front of the other and doing my best to get by each day. get myself out of bed in the morning and get thru all of my tasks and events for the days and weeks. until something interesting comes along to brighten my life again.

~the end~