thoughts

starting to get anxious about this wedding. hate that it's become a thing itself. but i guess they always do. i really need to make a start getting stuff together. at least i have most of the clothing for the kids and me. and now there's the tux too!! :-( i'm thinking of going to the mall or maybe penney's to look for a dress for me. the skirt and shirt are fine, but i want to FEEL like a i look nice. at least it should be a tolerable time of the month :-)

~the end~

a ray of hope

so things seem a bit brighter today. i know i've written that before. but today i feel better.
yesterday was very odd. the visit with P. she was very short tempered and unlike her normal self. haha, more like me. i tried to put her at ease and ignore her "things". and i tried suggesting some of the things that help me when i feel that way. not sure if it helped at all though.
i've noticed that when i share that sort of information i either get lots of positive feed back right away (like from B in calif) or i get a blank stare as though i'm talking about eating monkey hearts or something of the same ilk.
stayed up too late last night. but what else is new.
have some new ideas for that short story novel that's floating in my head. just wish i could get it out of my head into some sort of discernible way!!
~the end~

another disjointed day of sorts. just need to feel some energy. so much to do and just no desire to accomplish the goals. what to look forward to anymore?? going to try to get moving and take a vitamin and maybe feel the urge!!
~the end~

oddly quiet with them out of the house. hasn't been this way for over a month now. trying to sort out something fun to do today with girly. feeling somewhat more upbeat so hoping it will be a good afternoon!!

~the end~

summer days

another day of summer. it seems as though this summer is passing so quickly. esp after all the time i spent looking forward to these days, i hate that they're passing by so fast. i want to do SO much. but the heat and humidity. i always forget about the depth and width of that.
i love having the pool in the backyard. having the kids outside, safe and in my sights. not having to drag them across town to the local pool. all those germs. although i never tell anyone that's one of the reasons i wouldn't like the local pool!!
despite feeling so anxious all this morning and tense at lunch time, it was a nice visit with P and the boys today. she seemed less critical, but i also didn't try to chat too in depth about anything.
and i tried NOT to moan/complain.
what b said the other week about me being hard to maintain bothered me. i know i do often talk about the specifics of things sometimes, but i though that's what friends did, they shared that info. of course, maybe b doesn't want to know about my stuff, she just wants to talk about hers. or maybe i talk too much about it? although again, i didn't think that i was complaining so much as explaining since no one seems to understand and everyone asks why. so i am purposely not going into details about personal things anymore. i might mention my stomach issues in  passing, or my headaches, or how i feel moody or out of sorts, or i will allude to my obsessions, but i am not going to explain anymore. and really, why do i need to explain. if anyone asks, i can just say "well you know how it goes" and leave it at that (unless i think of a better reply). i certainly don't want to become one of those women who only has bad things to say about everything and only talks about their aches and pains and woes. how depressing and annoying would that be!!  :-(

~the end~

i should not be worrying about them wasting their summer vacation.
we went to lunch today. it was a festive atmosphere, unusual for that restaurant. there was a baseball game on and then the world cup. people were all excited. although i'm tired of the discussion regarding MY calling it football vs everyone else here calling it soccer. why does anyone need to argue MY choice of a word!!

 ~the end~

feeling

met S at the movies today to see eclipse. i was happy it started a bit later than last week. i didn't have to rush as much!!
hubby took the kids out to lunch and around one of the local historical sites, in the rain!! they had fun at least. though i would've have liked to have gone. and i would've liked to have had a few more minutes at home before they got back home!!
the movie was a lot emptier this week. but it was still good to see it again. i felt like i missed some the first time cos of that tall gal who sat in front of me. i was glad it was less people but everyone sat bunched near one another which was really weird. last week the theatre was really dark but this week it wasn't (different theatre though).
S was a little rude when a couple came in just before the movie started and sat in front of us. i was really embarrassed actually. i kept telling her to hush!! they didn't sit right in front of us, so it was fine!! i'm not sure if it was me being more annoyed or her being more loud that was different. sometimes i can't always tell, esp with my own moodiness. and it is coming into that time, which i hate.
walking around the mall was boring and i just wanted to leave honestly. and spencer's was just a huge embarrassment to me. the music store was more exciting, there was lots of twilight stuff, which is fun. though i can't get too excited about either team. though team too young would have appealed to me when i was a teenager i think. otoh, team scowl and pale has nice eyes and is english. i really prefer team ck and team texas!!!
am reading the book club choice now, all about NY society, money and clothes. it's good but not nearly as twilight was or even the spin cycle book i put down to read it.
i have so many books to get through in the next few weeks. i am sure i will manage but i am saving re-reading breaking dawn till the beach in august.
and there is so much to accomplish before this wedding. i just want to stop all the things that need to be done and let someone else do it all!!
bills, laundry, clean up, wedding plans, haircuts, meals, playdates, tv shows, shopping. . . .

~the end~

hothothot

another hot day. i've been listening to the new moon and eclipse soundtracks when i'm sat on the deck watching the the kids in the pool. if the volume is low enough, i can hear them! and it's a way to pass the time, though sometimes i don't get to hear as much of the songs as i would like. so i'm trying to listen at other times when i read. i really want to be able to place the songs in the movies.

~the end~

explanations

the oldest went to the uni tour today. i was really nervous about his getting there and getting around. hubby met him for lunch and it all turned out fine of course. they were both really chatty about the visit.
P came with the boys today. at least we had a chance to chat a bit though girlchild was very clingy after a while.
P apologised for not being able to go with me to the movie. i didn't say that S and i had gone anyway. who knew if P had have been able to anyway had we made solid plans (though i thought they had been). i feel justified for making my own plans. thank goodness i hadn't waited for her. it was the only thing i asked for really. i really did want to see it closer to opening day! i don't know why i felt bad, but i am glad i went and that i was able to arrange to see it in my time. and then again with S this coming weekend. although i think hubby wasn't thrilled but sometimes i just need to DO!
i feel so alone so often and this at least, going to the movies to see these, makes me feel happy.
and S made such an effort too. she read the books and watched new moon!! that was really  kind!!


~the end~

crazed

what is with the continued chaos of this week. although it feels somewhat more settled with some oral caffeine!! just nuts and wild. the summer has definitely gotten off to a busy and exciting start!!!

~the end~